How to plan a wedding with an unsupportive family
When you’re planning a wedding, you will often find yourself bombarded with messages and images that make the assumption that everyone (but especially, it seems, the bride where there is one) has a wonderful, close relationship with family members both theirs and their partners’. This is especially true when it comes to parents; there’s lots of expectation around tearful, proud fathers walking down the aisle and loving, bonding trips to dress shops with mum and/or sisters.
But what if you’re planning a wedding and don’t have a supportive family? What if there’s been, or continues to be, damaging behaviour from them that you’ve experienced in the past and you don’t want to have to deal with at your wedding. What if you are planning a wedding and don’t have a positive relationship with close family members?
Often the advice you see is to ‘just ignore them’ or not invite them, but for lots of people that’s not an option for lots of reasons. Equally, you may have well-meaning friends suggesting that people will change their ways for your wedding day or will be able to put things aside. While this could be the case, I think a lot of us have enough experience and knowledge of those family members’ previous actions to know it’s unlikely… Plus the uncertainty isn’t brilliant for our anxiety levels either!
So, what steps can you consider taking to keep a little bit of certainty, protect your boundaries and enjoy your fabulous wedding, limiting the impact of challenging family members.
These tips are for planning a wedding when you don’t have the support, love and compassion that you deserve from those closest to you. Ideas for wedding planning when there are people in your family who make you feel less worthy of love or who make your life more difficult or painful when they are around you.
All of the following ideas are based on personal experiences, some of it my own. While not everything will be relevant, and you may still have issues on the day, these steps will make you feel much more in control over the situations you can plan for and enjoy your wedding day!
Before we get to the practical examples for managing unsupportive family on your wedding day…
I recommend that if possible, you find extra support such as talking to a professional during your wedding planning period. I know that this isn’t feasible for everyone, but big life events like weddings can really bring into focus emotions that you may have squished down for a long time. It did for me. So if you can find someone professional with whom you can talk things through, you may find it helpful.
While we’re on it, it is OK to feel sad or angry or any emotion you care to name, during this process. Especially when you don’t have that supportive family network around you that feels like it comes as standard for so many! It sucks, it hurts. I’m also just going to leave this here…It’s not your fault!
So…onto some practical steps you can take..
Planning your wedding when you have challenging relationships with family members
Wherever possible don’t invite…
Now, I’ve already acknowledged that this may not be an option that you can or want to take. If that’s the case, understandable! It wasn’t a step I took.
I would say that in recent years, for obvious reasons, micro-weddings and elopements have become much more of a ‘thing’. So if you think that keeping things small - or even just the two of you - will be the best way to avoid hurt, drama or anxiety then go for it!
Almost all wedding suppliers have got really used to creating beautiful, meaningful, joyful weddings with much smaller numbers. Fewer (or no) guests does not make your wedding any less real, it does not diminish the love you have for each other and it does not mean a dour ‘tragic’ wedding day! It can mean surrounding yourself with the people you love the most, who love you the most and having a huge amount of fun with them!
If you are of the mind that you’re going to need to invite the people that you’d rather avoid, here are some other ways you can mitigate the impact on you both.
Try to keep your boundaries
This is, of course, easier said than done. Wherever you can set a boundary, do. This may be simply keeping the information you share about your choices close to your chest when talking to certain people. ``We are still considering” or ‘Yep - all in hand, thanks’ are good ways to shut down conversation and avoid unsolicited opinions or criticism dressed up as advice.
If you get the ‘advice’ anyway… “Appreciate you sharing that idea with us, but we’ve already made a decision.” Is my recommended response.
Create Allies - including suppliers
It is absolutely OK, if you feel comfortable, to let any suppliers who you’ll be spending time with on the day know how you are feeling. If they know they can support you, both with ideas that might suit your particular situation and also as allies on the day. If you’ve picked suppliers that you feel comfortable and click with, then you’ll know that they are going to want to support you, they’ll have seen it all before and won’t think anything bad of you. This could be hair & make up artists, photographers, on the day coordinators and, of course, your celebrant!
For example; one bride told me that she was really concerned about that ‘getting ready’ stage. Her mother had always been difficult and unloving but also insisted on being there to get ready with the Bride and Best Girls - because of what it might look like if she were not. The Best Girls were on side as wranglers (more on that below) but the bride was really worried that her makeup artist (MUA) would find it odd that it ‘wasn’t all smiles, proud tears and bubbles’ while everyone got ready, which is so often what is represented in wedding images and media.
The Bride spoke to her MUA and as it transpired, she had a really similar mother/daughter dynamic. She was unfazed, reassured the bride and made a deal that, given a signal, she could move the bride around the space (and away if needed), blaming the light.
On the day, the bride’s mother did try a few low key annoyances, but was either wrangled by a bridesmaid or the bride was shielded by her MUA.
Keep them occupied
If you think it can work, giving some people something fairly inconsequential to do, that won’t be a disaster if wrong can also be an option to keep them too busy to bother you.
For example, One couple told me how they weren’t having ‘getting ready photos’ as they chose the photos to start at the ceremony (and they didn’t want to capture any potential drama at the hotel)! They had an aunt who insisted on getting ready with the bridal party and they knew it would be more drama to say no.
The bride made sure the aunt had her hair & makeup done first and then asked her to take a few shots of the others getting ready. This was just enough of a distraction for her to be kept busy and feel important. While there was still fun and joy as everyone got ready.
Ask people you trust to be wranglers
During the day, there may be times when you need someone to be there to distract or block the challenging family member from getting to you too often or too easily. Let a few trusted people know that you’re likely to just need their support on the day, this could be your wedding gang, on the day coordinator, or a couple of trusted friends.
Sometimes, it’s about attention and weddings are an easy place for anyone to start chatting so having a few people who can see if that family member is making a beeline for the top table and can sidle up to them, say hello, introduce themselves and keep them chatting. I’ve seen this expertly done by a Best Man when the couple didn’t want to have to manage drama from an uncle.
Another example told to me is where a Mother of the Bride (MOB) found it very difficult not to be the centre of attention. She resented the love and attention her daughter was receiving and as a result was trying to a) tell anyone who would listen that it was ‘very selfish of her daughter to have expected her to travel an hour for this wedding’ and ‘as it was J’s (the bride) fault she was here, the least she could do was whatever she needed’ This led to any question, any taxi that needed booking or drink refilling, the MOB tried to get to the bride to do everything and answer every question she had. Most of the times she was intercepted before she got there, but on the couple of occasions she was able to make a demand, these pre-warned wranglers were never that far away for the bride to ‘sweetly’ say ‘of course, Bob would you mind finding a taxi number for mum to use for auntie Joan?’ before being whisked away to chat to someone else (conveniently…)
Have a Sweetheart table for two at the reception
If it’s the thought of a top table that’s causing you drama... have you thought about a sweetheart table for two? To be honest this is a great idea for anyone who wants to ensure they get some quieter time together during the celebration.
Setting up separate family tables and asking a trusted family member to ‘host’ each table is a great way of smoothing over any jealousy about who gets to sit with you in a perceived position of status.
There are other options of course, sit with your gang, your friends, your siblings…If you think that by sitting with anyone apart from the family members who cause you distress will add drama, a sweetheart table for two is an amazing idea!
Book a Celebrant!
You knew this would be a suggestion right?
One of the most amazing things about working with a celebrant is that you’ll have time to get to know them, and they’ll get to know you during the wedding planning period, as you curate and create your personal ceremony.
Your celebrant can be your biggest ally, cheerleader and guide. They are less likely to make the same assumptions that registrars will make and are always able to support you to create a ceremony that is tailored to your unique situation. I have supported couples with various tricky situations to navigate and one of my key roles is to support them and create a ceremony that makes them feel wholly supported.
Choose a celebrant you feel comfortable with, and then if you feel able, be really honest with them about the family situations you are concerned about or managing. Not only will they be able to craft a ceremony that rethinks the traditions that may be causing you anxiety, but, most importantly, one that’s filled with joy and that supports and celebrates you both - as you deserve to be!
Surround yourself with love
Family, love and a support network is not just defined by who you share genes with or who brought you up.
Surround yourself as much as possible on the day with the people who do support you, who have got your back and who make you feel celebrated. That could be your wedding suppliers, your friends, your chosen family - and of course - each other.
Sharing your concerns, and sharing the load for dealing with anything on the day, will help you to have the security, headspace and reassurance to really experience your wedding day, all the joy of it, all the love within it, from the people who really matter!
Even if there are flare ups, even if some people don’t behave as you had hoped or don’t support you in that moment in the way that you deserve. As you share your vows and promises as a couple, as your celebrant shares your own unique story and celebrates the love that you share, all you will feel is the joy and warmth of that moment. As you create and celebrate the family you are as a couple.