Engaged and Neurodiverse - 10 ideas for planning a wedding ceremony that feels good
Ideas for planning a wedding when you are neurodiverse
Planning for your wedding ceremony as a member of the Neurodiverse community should still be an exciting time. On the day itself, there may be elements of the ceremony that you want to give extra thought to or to have your celebrant or venue aware of to ensure that you have a really fabulous wedding ceremony.
Before we get into tips for the wedding itself, my number one recommendation is to choose a Celebrant-led wedding! This way, you’ll have the reassurance of getting to know this person before your wedding, this should help you feel calm and comfortable on the day. Be as open and honest as you can with your humanist wedding celebrant. As a humanist celebrant, I work with my couples to make sure their ceremony works for them both as individuals and together.
On your wedding day, it can feel like there’s a lot going on during a ceremony. The words, the guests, the emotion, unfamiliar sounds and smells. Here are 10 top tips to think about that may help ensure your ceremony feels-good! (With thanks to Daniel Aherne at Adjust Services for his input here too)
1. Have a wedding rehearsal
If you feel more comfortable in situations where you know what to expect at each moment, I cannot recommend having a wedding rehearsal enough. A Humanist Wedding Celebrant may offer you a wedding rehearsal as part of their ‘service’ – definitely ask!
At a wedding rehearsal your celebrant will essentially run through the logistics of the ceremony. It’s really helpful to get a sense of where all the people involved in the ceremony are going to be positioned. You’ll walk and talk through each stage of the ceremony together, so you can feel confident in what will happen when.
Your celebrant will show you your ceremony script in the weeks leading up to your wedding, but you can even ask your celebrant to provide you with a brief timeline of what will happen during the ceremony too. Your ceremony script will be entirely personalised so you can make sure every word works for you.
A wedding rehearsal is a really good reason in itself to choose a celebrant-led wedding. Registrars don’t usually offer rehearsals.
2. Use memory cards for your words or wedding vows
If you find it tricky to focus on questions you’ve been asked or remember things you want to say when there is lots of other stimuli around, ask your celebrant to create you some cue cards.
Lots of couples use these anyway and they are especially useful for remembering any personal vows or promises you want to make. You could also use them for noting down when you might be asked by your celebrant to respond to a question, for example “Do you Kathryn take David…?” Using cue cards may help you feel confident in knowing what’s expected when there’s lots of other things going on around you.
On the other hand, if you find the written word a barrier, ask your Celebrant to help you learn what you are going to say when. This is another good reason to have a rehearsal!
3. Ask your venue about lighting in your ceremony
Try to visit your venue beforehand and check if there is going to be anything in the lighting that might prove to be a challenge. If there is any fluorescent lighting ask if these could be turned off or switched out for daylight lamps on the day.
If you are having an outdoor ceremony it’s a good idea to visit beforehand at the same time of day to get an idea of where the sun may be. This will help make sure you’re comfortable on the day and not standing with the sun in your eyes
4. Make an ‘entrance’ to your wedding ceremony or skip it entirely
If you’d rather avoid the intensity of walking down an aisle then why not consider alternatives. You could come in from a different entrance, walk in together or even be already at the front when your guests arrived.
Talk through different options with your celebrant and they will craft and create a ceremony, including an entrance (or non- entrance!) That will start your ceremony off in the right way and make sure you feel comfortable from the very beginning.
5. Maintaining a comfortable wedding ceremony temperature
Again, visiting your venue is a really great way to understand the likely temperature of your ceremony space. If you are indoor, check if there will likely be heating or air con on (depending on the time of year!) and ask if that can be adjusted if you need.
Remember, if you are having an indoor wedding with a large number of guests this may make the temperature of the room feel different - also worth considering what you will be wearing on the day and what effect that might have.
If you are having an outdoor ceremony, ask your celebrant or venue about where you can wait outside for a few minutes after getting ready to acclimatise to the temperature change before heading into your wedding ceremony. This will help make sure you’re not having to process a temperature change at the same time as processing everything else!
6. Have quiet or calm spaces nearby for before and after your wedding ceremony
As we’ve said, there are lots of stimuli at a wedding ceremony which could make you feel really overwhelmed. I really recommend working with your venue and celebrant to identify somewhere calm and quiet for you to both spend time before and/or after your ceremony. In fact, I’d suggest this to any couple! You could even book in extra time with your photographer at this point.
If you do want some ‘decompression’ time after your ceremony, it’s a really good idea for your celebrant to know this. That way, they can include this in their ‘housekeeping announcements’ or in the directions to guests after the ceremony, making sure you get the time you need. This doesn’t have to be a big deal, as a celebrant I’d say something along the lines of…
“As the ceremony draws to a close, please make your way to the gazebo for drinks, Kathryn & David will be spending a few quiet moments together to reflect on their ceremony and will join you there shortly…”
7. Choosing the textures of Handfasting Cords
If you choose to have a handfasting ceremony, you can have your handfasting cords or ribbons made of any material that is comfortable for you. If there are particular textures that you feel uncomfortable with, make sure you let your celebrant know if they are providing your handfasting materials.
8. Find strong scents difficult? Avoid them during your wedding
For some people strong or unfamiliar scents can be overwhelming. If this is the case for you, talk to your celebrant, venue and if you are using one your florist about ways to minimise any unfamiliar fragrances.
If you want to use fresh flowers, Ranculas, Dahlias, Sunflowers and Hyraengeas are really good for looking beautiful but having limited fragrance says Katie Musgrave of Unruly Flowers . Especially helpful in a bouquet. You can also make sure that your displays are smaller or not positioned too close to where you’ll be saying your vows.
If you are still worried, maybe think about artificial or paper flowers. Or think about alternative decorations completely.
9. Ask your wedding venue to limit background noise
Is there an air-con unit humming in the background that could be switched off? Or do you need to ask the catering staff in the next room to not start moving the glasses and plates around in the moments before you enter the ceremony, make sure you are clear with both your venue and your celebrant. Your Celebrant can help remind everyone about background noise before you arrive!
10. Have a ‘fidget toy’ or sensory items to hand during your wedding ceremony
If you find it comforting and calming, there is no reason why you cannot use the solutions you’d use in any other situation. For example, if you’d usually use fidget toys in moments where you might feel overstimulated, there is nothing to stop you doing the same at your wedding ceremony. Why not hold a sensory item in your hands or in your pocket if you’d rather? Interact with it during the ceremony if it will help you stay focused in the moment. If you don’t have a pocket or are worried about forgetting it, let your celebrant know and ask if they’d keep it on them for you.
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There might look like there’s lots to think about here, but ultimately my top tip is always talk to your celebrant and have a rehearsal if possible!
Not all of these tips will work for everyone, not everyone who is Neurodiverse faces the same barriers - of course! - we are all individuals.
If you have any questions or if you’re ready to start planning your unique wedding ceremony with me? Drop me a line and say hello!
Also, a reminder - I’ll say it every time! Every single couple getting married will have certain fundamental needs to be met as part of their ceremony and/or wedding. It’s just that some requirements have been normalised and accepted, while others are seen as extraordinary or unreasonable. (Thanks as ever @projectlets on Instagram)
Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash
